Rewriting Life-long Regrets

Turning Away From Escapism

Photo by Ivan Bertona on Unsplash

Have you ever goofed up and regretted it the rest of your life?

Have you ever said something that you regretted with your whole heart?

Have you ever thought you deserved a mouthful of soap like your mother threatened you with when you were young?

If you have, then you’ve ridden the horse of hating oneself that results from self-delusional escapism.

Like me when I was waitressing.

For I had waited for this moment for so long. I had hoped and prayed he would one day walk in the door and I could wait on him.

For I was bonkers about him.

He was so handsome. I thought about him all the time. I thought about his blue eyes and blond hair. And the night we drove around in his blue and white convertible Skylark.

And I had longed to see him. Longed to hear his voice. Longed for another chance to be with him.

And when the moment happened …

I froze.

For I rode the horse that hinders one from the real satisfying experiences. The horse that hides one’s real sense of self-esteem.

That horse of hiding one’s real self that entraps you and keeps you from getting what you really want.

For as quickly as he came, he quickly left.

All because he must have heard me tell the cook four life- changing little words.

Words I don’t know why I said.

Words I’ve wished for decades that I could take back.

Words that totally wiped out my chances of ever being with him again.

Why did I say that? I’ve wondered for years.

What possible reason could I have had for saying it?

Was I just stupid? Was I totally out of it? Was I a complete imbecile?

To this day, I really don’t know. But it may be that I was so afraid that everyone would see who I really was. For maybe I really was hiding … hiding from myself. Hiding from my feelings. Hiding from any chance of getting too close.

For it has been my escapism that has fouled up my life on more than one occasion.

I always seem to be trying to escape from something.

Escape from marriage. Escape from responsibility. Escape from my childhood terrors.

But what was I really trying to escape from when I said those words?

Maybe I was just seeking an escape from a real relationship.

For most of my life seems to have been dedicated to fostering my ‘false self.’ Instead of choosing to be the real me.

Instead of admitting what I really feel.

For when I said those four words … “I don’t like him” … I didn’t mean it. Maybe what I really meant was “I don’t like me.”

And I’ve spent most of my life avoiding that truth. Until now …

For I’ve gained enough wisdom to realize what is said either denies, or delivers, opportunities for magic.

The MAGIC that comes from moments actually given to intentional choice.

As Eva Hyllestad says, you can’t change the past but “you can choose to rewrite your past.” You do that by realizing that “you can change what it means to you today as you are moving forward in your life.” She says that’s where the ‘real magic’ lies.

So, instead of riding the horse of regret, today you can ride the horse of honoring and observing your real self emerging from the depths of remorse.

Then you’ll realize what it’s like to stop saying what you don’t mean and start speaking your truth.

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Kathy G. wants to show farmer's daughters how to become successful writers even in this highly competive world

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Kathy G Lynch

Kathy G. wants to show farmer's daughters how to become successful writers even in this highly competive world